Lliam is a teenager

I guess it's a good thing that I have two boys in January --or i would never blog--
But seriously can you believe that I have a thirteen year old at home--

It's so crazy --It hit me when I went to pick up his gifts--A hatchet, a hunting knife and a wallet. I realized--Oh my god --these are man gift. Gifts that come with an implied responsiblity and honor.

So as I gushed to the cashier about my boys birthday --I teared up --Its begun --My little boy taking steps away from his mothers heart and becoming a man.

It was 13 years ago my little man arrive 3 1/2 weeks early --just as the snow started to fall in 1996, my water broke --surprising me. This kid still surprises me --with his tender heart and loving eyes he has taught me how to live outside my self -How to sacrifice unconditionally for the better of my children, how to slow down and observe nature, and how to appreciate being a mother.

He's my right hand man --preserver of my sanity, keeper of the goats and champion of the sledding hill--HE IS MY LLIAMINATOR!!
Happy Birthday Buddy -

Devan is 16

WOW!! Where has the time gone--Just yesterday I was a new mother--holding on to a little miracle--looking into the grateful eyes of his adoptive parents as they anxiously awaited to hold their "very own" son for the first time.

I will never forget how Cello smiled so big I thought his face was going to crack. I will never forget the tender tears that Kay had in her eyes looking at a dream finally fufilled. I never will forget how small and inadequate I felt being a part of something so big and SO AWESOME!!

And now he's grown up--literally--

Does he realize what a miracle he is, does he realize how many hearts he has touched in his short years, Does he realize how our story and lives have created hope and happiness for other people.

I hope that as he grows in age, he creates a legacy. One that represents love, strength and commitment. If I have passed nothing else to him --I hope I have passed the love I feel for him, the strength to stand for something even when the world condems him and the commitment to choose the right, even when that choice is the hardest thing he will ever have to do.

Youth is the gift of Nature, but age is a work of art(Kanin)--It is your time to create art, it is your canvas. You are your own artist. Your are what you choose to be--Create your life and your experiences. Make it beautiful. Make is wonderful . Make it meaningful.

Happy Birthday Devan--I love you --I LOVE you --I love YOU!!

Wade's 40th

So before Thanksgiving --I was thinking about my hubby and how he would be celebrating his 40th over seas--and I thought--THAT SUCKS--Not that a birthday is a huge thing--but it just seems like some of the rather important events in our lives he misses out on --

He does make it for the important ones--Like our engagement, our wedding, Emmett and Owen's birth--He made it to both of their first birthdays too--However everything else he misses--In fact this year --after four years of marriage we got to be together for our anniversary--(yes, i am whining)

Point is I didn't want this "event to go unnoticed--and I wanted him to know how much I appreciate him and look forward to growing older with him.

So for those of you that don't know I am going to reveal a little know fact--Wade is swanky!! He loves to sing--and he loves the "rat pack" -He loves pretending he is wearing a fedora and doing his best "frank" impression for me-Since I have known him he has said he wanted to live during that time--when people got dressed up to go out to dinner. And seeing a movie was a special occasion. When people placed value and importance on being "smooth" and "classy"


So planted the seed for the --FORTY AND FABULOUS birthday party--I told him that the last guy night I wanted them to have Italian gangster night so I could make a lasagna and we could watch a gangster movie. I snuck aroudn like a little mouse all month stashing decorations here and extra food there--purchasing a ton of candles--decorating the house--I even painted the living room --lol--All for this special night
We had friends come up --and most of them dressed up like the 1940's--IT WAS AWESOME--they wore derby hats and dresses and jewelry--It was so cool --We had a fabulous dinner and drinks---then we did the gifts-
-one card said "To the "nicest most Potentially Dangerous man" in Oroville--explanation on the back-----(Back)--Mojo, a beloved bull mastiff friend of ours , was recently dubbed "the nicest most potentially dangerous dog in Oroville" by the local vet clinic in town. He's a strong, robust, intense, fun, devoted and loving dog that you'd also like to take to war with you. Somehow this also seemed like a good description for our friend WADE---" I thought it was so sweet and so true. Thanks guys!!
Anyway,we had fireworks and last but not least the guys played POKER!! Wade said he was so surprised and so pleased that I was able to pull the whole party together--I shocked myself keeping a secret from him for more than a month--

ANY way it was a wonderful send off for Wade--We got to see our close Oroville friends and celebrate Wades special day --My hope is that he will always look back on that day a remember the love that we all feel for him--OMG --I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!

Wade has left

It's so bizzare everytime he leaves--It's like dating in reverse--The anticipation, exctiement, infatuation--It all just comes back

The nights where all you could do was stay up all night long and think about your loved one--Sleep escapes you --no matter how hard you try flashbacks, memories and dreams of the future keep passing through your head.

Your heart is beating and racing --ready to explode out of your chest. You try to breath and you just can't seem to get enough breath. My stomach gets seriously upset.I think it's all the adrenaline or something. I feel like I have a million butterflies in my stomach and at any moment they are going to escape through my mouth. (this also happens every time he comes home--I love nausea, it's the best!!)

We have been living this life since 2003--we are not new to this life-- But each time feels like the first time --What's weird is how the distance between us never feels that far--I feel more supported and loved now than I have ever felt before. We talk almost daily on the computer, I can call him at any moment if I need to hear his voice--and then there is the good old fashion hand written note. I think I have more communication than most women have with their husband who sits in the next room watching TV.

I cry about a week before he leave--mostly for my own selfish reasons--then I take a shower and wash all the saddness away and it's time to move on. Life doesn't afford throwing pity parties or crying in my beer. Just have to pick up my big girl panties and keep moving forward.

I just hope that someday when this is all through our kids look back and relish the awesome childhood we are providing them with. We only do this for them. Our childhoods were so perfect because of our country life--we want to instill the values and richness we had in our young lives. --I have told Wade a hundred times we could sell and just end this crazy life--I could get a job, the kids could go back to school and we could live in a house with two bedrooms--That would be easy.

But this is our choice--We choose to be something more--than just settling for life in the suburbs with sirens and barking dogs. As any parent feels--I just hope our choice is what our children find happiness in --I can hear Wade saying as if he were over my shoulder "I don't f-ing care if they like it or not--they are goign to learn the values of a hard days work --that working with a good heart and lots of sweat makes the man --not some piece paper from a college. They will love their life or I will work their tails of til they do--lol--that's not a direct quote--just my imagination--If he really said it --it would have more cuss words--lol.

I am just rambling on --trying to get motivated to step away from the computer--It's so easy when the children sleep to just let hours slip away.

So here I go --again on my own--Going down the only road I have ever known--Just kidding--I know pathetic--haha